That’s an ugly word, isn’t it?  I think so.  I also think it’s a scary word when associated with God.  In the Bible, disobedience was never met with anything good.  Disobeying God is serious business.  And we all do it sometimes.

Twelve years ago I would have jumped at whatever God called me to.  I might have questioned Him.  I might even have been afraid, but with my heart pounding in my chest I still would have done whatever He asked of me.  It seems that is no longer the case.

Just a few years ago, I felt God calling me to something in particular.  I had a dream about it and the very next day I literally saw a sign about it – a billboard even!  Then a few days later, I discovered that a friend of mine was doing the exact thing that I felt I was being called to.  I thought about it, and prayed about it, and decided that it was for some time in the future.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago.  I finally began the process of doing this thing.  It required an interview and training.  I did the interview and the day of the first training session, I backed out.  It turned out that it was going to be a bigger commitment than I realized.  I was starting to have some health problems.  Basically, I let fear take over.

I believe that when God calls us to something, He equips us for it.  Apparently, I temporarily forgot that belief.  I suffered a lack of faith and only He knows what blessings I’m going to miss out on.  Not to mention the fact that I feel sick to my stomach for having disobeyed God!  How could I have done that on purpose?!  What happened to the girl who would dive in, full of faith?  Is this an aging thing?  Have I lost the faith I once had?  At this point, I really don’t know why I did what I did except that I felt I couldn’t handle the commitment.  That’s where faith comes in though, isn’t it?  We can’t handle it, so we rely on God to help us accomplish this task He’s given us?  It’s a team effort!

There are a lot of things that I’m not clear on these days.  My fifties are turning out to be kind of like another puberty, but without the hormones.  I’m pretty clear, however, on the fact that I disobeyed my Heavenly Father.  I am also clear on the fact that He forgives me through the shed blood of Christ because I asked Him to and His love and faithfulness are unfailing.  His faithfulness to me is not based on my faithfulness to Him!  Praise His holy name for that because if that were the case I would be totally lost.

Disobedience is not something I want to make a habit, by any means.  It upsets me greatly to know that I disobeyed my Heavenly Father, whose plans for me are for good.  I blew it!  And I am unspeakably grateful that He is a God of second chances.  I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know whether or not I’ll get a second shot at this particular thing.  I do know that my God will never give up on me.  His mercies are new every morning and His love for me is unconditional.  His love for all of His children, those who call on His name, is unconditional and forgiveness for disobedience is ours for the asking.  Praise God!

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