C.D. Journals – September 29, 2018

closeup photo of journal book and pencils

Photo by Jess Watters on Pexels.com

For the past two days, I have been fighting back tears and pushing myself to keep busy and try to do things as I normally would as much as possible.  I went grocery shopping, I cleaned my front porch and put out some fall decorations, I did laundry and dishes, and I even cooked dinner – a rare occasion these days, but something I’m trying to do more.  Everything takes longer than it used to and all of the above was done with my neck brace on.  Praise God for that hot, itchy neck brace!

I called it a “collar” at first, but Matt didn’t like that.  He said, “Mom, you’re not a dog!” 😂 So, I’m trying to be consistent about calling it a “brace”.  The brace doesn’t stop the muscle contractions or my battle to keep my head straight, it simply keeps my head from turning as far as it wants to and keeps my chin out of my shoulder.   I guess you could say it minimizes the battle.  It feels restrictive and after awhile, especially when the weather’s warm, gets hot and itchy.  It’s less frustrating than trying to do things without it, but frustrating nonetheless and I’m thankful for it.

I wake up every morning and procrastinate about getting out of bed because I’m not ready to battle my brain again.  My poor, broken brain that constantly – all day long – wants to spin my head around.  Some days it’s calmer than others, but it’s always there.  Except when I’m asleep, thank God.  I want so badly to handle this with grace and strength, to be an overcomer, and some days it’s just too hard.  I just want to sit and cry and all the things that aren’t great in my life are magnified; my baby boy is living 7-hours away and I rarely see him, my oldest son is headed to the other side of the world and I won’t see him for two years,  my husband is about to have a very expensive hernia surgery, and the neurologist I’ve been referred to wants almost half of our house payment just for an initial consult.  I could go on, and I really shouldn’t even start.  That’s focusing on the negatives and therein lies the emotional battle.

On the other side of the coin; my baby boy is doing great and getting a college education, my oldest son is serving the Lord and I couldn’t be prouder, my husband is going to be healed of this hernia he’s been walking around with for years, and there is hope of something better for my condition.  It’s all a matter of perspective, isn’t it?  I feel better already!

I know that God is not a vending machine or a genie who will grant my every wish right when I ask for it.  He has a plan and a purpose for everything, including my life.  I totally believe that.  I just really wish that healing me right this second was part of that plan.  He healed me once before, after nine years of suffering with Fibromyalgia and His timing was perfect.  That probably sounds weird that waiting nine years was perfect timing, but it was.  The circumstances surrounding my healing blessed a lot of people and the timing was just perfect.

The only people I know who have Cervical Dystonia are the people I’ve met on the two Facebook forums I’ve joined, and I’ve never met any of them in person.  On Facebook, I read about their challenges and their pain.  I read about their small victories and the ways they find joy wherever they can so as not to completely lose hope.  While I may be the only one in my small corner, I’m not the only one in the whole world.  There are so many others who face the same challenges I do – or at least similar challenges.  Each situation is unique.  It helps though, to remember that I’m not the only one and there are others who understand.

I have no idea what God’s plan is here.  Any day I could be healed, or I won’t be healed until I step into glory, I have no way of knowing.  Maybe that’s what actually gets me out of bed in the morning – not knowing what could happen that day and believing that anything could happen?  I think we’re back to me being a dreamer.  Thank God for dreams!  Right now my dream is to be healed and in the meantime, to handle this challenge with the grace of God and strength in Christ.  Actually, I dream of the day when there will be no more tears – no more sorrow, no more pain – only joy at being in the Presence of our Lord and Savior.  I dream of that for everyone.

Life is hard sometimes and sometimes it’s harder for some than for others.  Perspective and attitude are key to handling life’s curve balls, I believe that.  The trick is to maintain the right perspective and attitude.  Some days it’s easier to do that than others.  The past two days have been more difficult and that’s okay.  It’s going to change.  A better day lies ahead.  Don’t stop watching for it!




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