C.D. Journals – October 23, 2018

closeup photo of journal book and pencils

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This morning has been a little rough.  I dreaded getting out of bed and starting the fight.  My muscles still contract, but my head can’t really go anywhere when I’m lying down.  Especially if I’m on my left side, which is the side my head goes to when the muscles contract.  I can almost feel a little normal then.  At least for a few minutes.

As soon as my feet hit the floor though, the owl inside me tries to come out and spin it’s head around.  I get so tired of it!  I know there are others who have it a lot worse and that doesn’t change how frustrating it is and how weary I grow of it.  Some days are worse than others.  Yesterday was a particularly challenging day in that my head was turning A LOT and my brace wasn’t helping as much.  Maybe that’s why this morning was so tough.

The muscle contractions are basically constant, but on good days they’re more like twitches or tremors, with occasional head spinning contractions.  On not so good days, like yesterday, they’re the head spinning kind with occasional tremors.  I never know what I’m going to get from one day to the next, but I know there will be pain and discomfort.  That I can count on.

Thank God for good friends!  I asked my bestie, Angel, to pray for me this morning as I was lying in bed not wanting to get up.  Not only did she say she would pray, but she texted me her prayer!  I felt so encouraged.  She asked God to help me “be in this day”.  I think that’s a beautiful way of putting it because that’s basically what I was avoiding.  Being in this day that I knew would contain almost constant discomfort and frustration.

I thought about what I would be missing by not being in this day and the trade-off wouldn’t really be worth it to me.  In exchange for less pain and frustration I would miss out on time with my son, daughter and grandchildren with whom I have an outing planned.  I would cause my husband more concern than he already has over me.  I would miss out on the cool fall weather, which I eagerly anticipate every year.  And, I would simply spiral downward into depression – a very ugly place that I don’t want to be in.

God has healed me before.  March 9, 2005 He healed me of Fibromyalgia.  I have no doubt whatsoever that He can heal me again.  I also believe that He has allowed this in my life for a reason and healing won’t come until that purpose is fulfilled according to His timetable.  In the meantime, I want so desperately to weather this nightmare with grace and a positive attitude.

I don’t like being depressed and I don’t like being the cause of anyone else’s sadness.  I want to be strong for those who are concerned about me, but I also want to be real when I need help.  Asking for prayer when I especially need it, like this morning.  I knew from the beginning that there would be a battle.  Staying strong isn’t easy sometimes.  We humans get weary.  I am so thankful for my God who is always there for me and who has blessed me with friends whose prayers He hears.

I’m out of bed, praise the Lord, and getting ready to spend time with kids and grandkids who bless my life immensely!  I don’t think there’s anything that’s worth missing out on that!


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