C.D. Journals – June 21, 2022

Photo by Jess Watters on Pexels.com

The first day of summer. That doesn’t mean a whole lot here in central Texas. Spring felt more like summer this year. We’ve had 90 and 100 degree days for weeks. Maybe that’s the reason for my melancholy of late. I don’t like the heat. It exacerbates my symptoms and it’s just plain uncomfortable!

It’s been four years since my diagnosis and I feel like I should be better adjusted than I am. I try very hard to be happy in spite of my “handicap”, to function as normally as possible, and to not affect those around me any more than I can help. But, I still get sad. I still get discouraged, and I struggle with truly being happy.

I still laugh quite a bit, much thanks to my sweet and funny husband who has been amazing through all of this, and my kids who support me and treat me as if I were still normal. I think they’ve gotten used to me holding my head all the time.

In spite of still being able to laugh, even at myself, I often feel restless and discontent. That light, giddy feeling of happiness is something I’ve only experienced a time or two these past few years when I used to feel it much more often. C.D. makes you feel like a prisoner in your own body and I definitely don’t feel free to be as lighthearted and happy as I’d like. I wonder if I’ll ever really be happy again.

Of course, the state of the world doesn’t help right now. A lot of us are not happy in general. I realize that things could be so much worse and that realization doesn’t go very far in changing how I feel. It helps me to appreciate things more and be thankful, and that’s not the same as what I’m talking about.

I’m not special or alone in this. There are so many others not only suffering with C.D., but suffering from so many different things. I guess, in reality, life on this planet has always been that way. Since the fall of man and the entrance of sin this world has been in chaos.

Everyone has their own cross to bear. The truth is that I am really very spoiled. I may be suffering from a debilitating neurological disorder, but I am very well taken care of and loved. I have SO much to be thankful for. There’s a Veggie Tale line that goes like this: “A thankful heart is a happy heart.” I beg to differ. I think we can be thankful and still be unhappy in our hearts.

My word for this year is “Joy”. I am on the hunt for sustainable joy. I could also add the word “Happy” because I would like to find a way to be truly happy with my life in spite of being disabled. I know a lot of others more disabled than I who have done that and I want to join them. I don’t like whining. I don’t like being discontent or unhappy. Life’s too short to live like that even if you have good reason.

So, once again, today I choose to move beyond the sadness and discouragement and go in search of a happy heart. In honor of those who are dealing with so much more than I am, I choose to decline the pity party invite. 😊

CFN! (Ciao for now)

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